How To Change People
Friday, 1:49 PM
Dear Friend,
Remember last week I told you I was going to test something new?
I started sending my entire message in an e-mail… instead of sending you a short teaser e-mail to get you to click through to a blog post.
I was inspired to try it after Reading Ben Settle's new "Street Smart E-mail System" course.
It's working KILLER in one of my niche businesses.
July is always a crappy month in this particular niche… but so far, this technique has DOUBLED my sales from e-mails.
It will be exciting to see what happens after Labor Day when sales come back to normal.
But I'm still not sure if I like doing it for my DobermanDan.com subscribers… for a couple reasons.
First, I'm worried about being an annoying pest instead of a welcome guest.
And second… I miss the comments on the blog. They've gone way down since I started this test.
It's probably just an ego thing but the comments let me know SOMEBODY is listening.
I read every one, even if I'm not able to respond to them all. Most people are really nice and it's a high point in my day.
Geez… maybe I really DO need a shrink!
Anyhoo… I'll continue this for a while and see how it goes.
Hey, I've been thinking about something the past few days and I'd like to share it with you.
In the past (actually the very recent past) I've been guilty of trying to change people.
I did it out of love because I don't like to see people I care about not living up to their potential.
So I did some things and said some things with the hope I could motivate them and turn them into "go-getters".
Unfortunately, they're not, never were… and sadly, probably never will be.
They seem to be content to settle for mediocrity for themselves and their families.
That doesn't make them bad people. They're my friends and I love them.
But I think pressure from me (even though it was subtle) was putting a strain on our relationship.
They don't want to change or improve their lives. If they really DID, they would be taking actions to do it.
And nothing I do or say will change that.
It's true what Thoreau said… most people live lives of quiet desperation and die with the music still inside them.
So I've discovered (the hard way) that trying to change someone is a complete waste of time.
In fact, the very idea that you're trying to change someone is saying that they're not good enough as they are.
And it reeks of judgment and disapproval… and those thoughts will only bring separation between you two.
Instead, you have to look for the good in people… and when you do that, almost miraculously, more of it appears.
It's a simple principle… whatever you focus on, you get more of.
If you only look for the good in people, you'll be amazed at what your new focus reveals.
All the best,
P.S. Do you agree? Disagree? Think I'm wasting my time with these articles?
Tell me your thoughts in the comments box below.
I appreciate your transparency, Dan.
As Plato said, "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle."
Hey Dan,
I have to admit, I like meeting you here on the blog. In fact, if I don't hear from you, I check it just to see what's going on. The earnest humanity keeps me coming back.
Next time you're in Afghanistan, let me buy your dinner. I know a great Italian place…
Awesome message!
Hey Dan,
I know exactly what you feel.
I learnt that lesson a long time ago. I use to constantly try to persuade my closest high school & college buddies to follow me in the entrepreneurial journey… all because I want them to have a "better life", a more "awakened life".
I've since stopped doing that. I've realised that my view of the "better life" is definitely not their view of it. And who am I to judge and place my standards on them?
And yes, they will never understand my desire to persistently pursue this roller-coaster ride called entrepreneurism. And I don't expect them to ever do. So now my relationship with them is much better as the only reason (for me) we come together is to hang out, chill and enjoy each other's hilarious company.
Now, I don't bother offering my advice about marketing, business and personal development to anyone at all, even though they seem to desperately need it. It's not that I don't care… I do. But I can only afford to spend my time and emotional energy on those who are sincere in helping themselves in improving their station in life.
For these people, I will go to unmentionable lengths to see that they achieve their wildest dreams. That is how I make the world a better place.
Thanks Dan for sharing…
Always Be More,
Andy Iskandar
I agree that trying to change someone before s/he is ready is a waste of time.
When that person is ready, be a good friend/relative and assist with his or her change.
Please keep discussing these human nature issues.
Because you're a respected marketer, your human nature insights are more valuable than if they came from… oh I dunno… maybe someone we don't respect… better not mention any names… like a fat guy offering fat loss advice.
Great insight Dan and your still a young man.
It takes most of us many more years to figure this out and the main problem, most never figure it out.
We are all where we are to experience the things we need!
This format is great. We have the benefits of both the email and the post.
"People convinced against their will, remain unconvienced still"
Amigo
Your newsletter is one of only 5 which I look forward to getting. I always get at least one gold nugget of wisdom out of your newsletters, teleseminars, podcasts, etc.
I vote for you keeping at it.
I to learned this lesson long ago.
Nobody ever makes personal changes unless they truly want to make those changes. (And arrive at a belief they can make them.)
You can't force anyone to want.
Dan,
I agree on the point of sending your thoughts in emails to your subscribers: For me, at least, the teaser with a link to your blog is more welcome. And I ALWAYS click on that link.
As to changing people, it's impossible to tell at a glance which person is ready and which one isn't. But I really don't see you as trying to change people, I see it as offering information that will help them change themselves, take it or leave it.
A few years ago I read a good book called The Power of Losing Control and in it, the author said if you want to change someone's opinion, don't argue with them because we're all correct in our opinions. They're based on our individual perspectives. What you do is give someone enough information to change their perspective and their opinion will change. I think this relates also to changing their outlook on themselves, i.e., "You're a smart guy and you have the opportunity to improve your life and it's not that hard." This is what you do and there's nothing wrong with it.
(I could be wrong about what book that came from – I've read more than a few self-help books.)
Owen
I agree with Owen that "give someone enough information to change their perspective and their opinion will change". I use that a lot in work environment settings to influence safety culture improvements.
But, on a personal level, you can't change people. For example if someone thinks that fighting and fussing with your spouse is "normal", then it doesn't matter what is said to that person they will always hold onto that belief. Likewise, someone that chooses to belive that fighting and fussing is "not normal" will always get stressed about petty confrontations and they are never going to change.
Hey DD-Long time no comment, for some reason today your post reminded me of one of my favorite songs, so enjoy!
"You know you are a friend of mine, And you know that it's true that all the things that I do, Are gonna come back to you in your sweet time" Steve Miller
Dan,
Unsolicited advice may be insulting… but if you are referring to the telesiminar of a few days ago, those who attended were there to take it all in. Your advice was not unsolicited… although it may have surprised some… they were there to soak it all in… so… if they didn't act as planned, revert to some old rules… remember, you can't get a valid read out when you mail to too small a list.
The fact is your format is proven to be quite effective… play with the copy… take your "off the cuff" and edit… polish… make it sing. Then build it into a webinar and syndicate the attendee recruitment among several publishers… offer an on the spot discount for orders during the live event and then post it for repeat listening (or 1st time for those who couldn't make their planned visit).
You need a larger audience to come to any valid conclusions…
Do it!
Hi Dan,
I'm on the other side of the fence. I know what it feels like to be the changee, the victim of the changer. I don't know how many of Earth's seven billion people can't let me be me. Something I learned the hard way is when someone pressures me into doing something I don't feel right about, I always regret it. Some times I feel like the people trying to change me are working for a super-secret government agency, the FBM. Never heard of it? The federal Bureau of Moldfitting. Ok, it doesn't exist, but enough people have tried to fit me into ill-fitting molds that I feel like it does. Strange as it seems, I'm me. So let me be me.
There is nothing wrong with mediocrity…. It takes all kinds. I enjoy my non "successful" friends more than my successful ones. They are usually much more capable of being in the moment. Sometimes the quest for success (especially financial) is a disorder in and of itself and WE are the ones that Need changing….
How in the hell are you Dan?
I never looked at it that way, Michael. Maybe those folks are in my life to help keep me balanced.
The FBM is a very powerful force. I'm working on some blog posts about it you might find interesting.
Sounds good to me, Mel. Thanks!
"Keep on a rocking me, baby!"
You look too young to know that song, Bart.
Expect an update soon on the e-mail vs. blog post test.
And what's the old saying, "A person convinced against their will is of the same opinion still"… or something like that.
You're right. God knows I've tried.
"… like a fat guy offering fat loss advice. "
lol
It's hard NOT to do when YOU are constantly working on your personal growth and you want your friends to come along.
The hard reality is that 95% of the people on this earth (and in reality probably more like 98%) are sleep-walking through life and don't WANT to change. And of those few who think they want to become an entrepreneur, almost none of them have the balls for it.
Thanks, Sheridan.
I don't have any plans to come to Afghanistan but I've learned to never say never!
Good words to live by.
That Plato was pretty smart, huh?
[...] I mentioned in a previous post, one of the things that has suffered from the "send e-mails instead of directing people to a [...]
Hey Dan,
Lovitch turned me on your site. He says great things about you behind your back, by the way. Enjoyed your post… and my vote is: KEEP one WRITING these articles. Here's a thought… if your dobermans, could talk, what do you think they would say about these here articles?
Best,
David
PS- maybe we can coax you to come to speak (or just hang) at one of mine & Michaels' parties one of these days. We need more "SOLID" people like you to spotlight.
Hey David,
Nice to have you here.
Coax me to come to a party? No coaxing required! It sounds like fun and it would be great to see Michael again.
Hopefully we'll meet soon.
Dan
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