{"id":12149,"date":"2016-01-22T09:38:26","date_gmt":"2016-01-22T14:38:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.dobermandan.com\/blog\/?p=12149"},"modified":"2016-01-22T09:38:26","modified_gmt":"2016-01-22T14:38:26","slug":"giant-chickens-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.dobermandan.com\/blog\/giant-chickens-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Giant chickens"},"content":{"rendered":"

Once upon a time (Back in the mid 80\u2019s to be specific) I was one of Dayton Ohio\u2019s finest, working a beat in the 3rd District.<\/p>\n

A horrible part of town, I\u2019m not afraid to say.<\/p>\n

The city didn\u2019t give a shit about it, or the poor people who lived there. (\u201cPoor\u201d meaning literally.)<\/p>\n

In fact, many of the buildings were still in charred ruins from twenty years before. A reminder of the riots in the 60\u2019s.<\/p>\n

When the Ohio National Guard had to be called in the keep the violent \u201cwe\u2019re not gonna take it\u201d crowd from crossing over the river and spreading their violence and mayhem to the other side of town.<\/p>\n

Where all the local politicians who controlled the city lived.<\/p>\n

But I digest.<\/p>\n

This piece is not to lament the social and racial injustices I witnessed in Dayton, Ohio.<\/p>\n

This piece is about a crazy old woman who lived in the 3rd district. And who called the police every time she became delusional.<\/p>\n

Or… maybe she WASN\u2019T delusional. Maybe she just saw things the rest of us were too brainwashed to see.<\/p>\n

But I digest again.<\/p>\n

Judas H. Priest! Spelling Nazis have ZERO sense of humor. Their lives must TOTALLY suck.<\/p>\n

Yes, I know the word is \u201cdigress.\u201d But that ain\u2019t funny, now is it?<\/p>\n

Anyhoo… this old woman always called the police when she was seeing things.<\/p>\n

And dispatch always sent a two-man crew (or 2 one-man crews) because they knew she had a history of violence.<\/p>\n

And crazy people have superhuman strength. I saw that 118lb. woman toss around 200 lb. cops like they were frickin\u2019 rag dolls.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s what would always happen:<\/p>\n

The crew would show up. The crazy woman would tell the cops there were blue flying monkeys in her house stealing her jewelry and she wanted them arrested or killed.<\/p>\n

Or whatever her current delusion was.<\/p>\n

Inevitably one or both of the cops would tell her to settle down because the blue monkeys didn\u2019t exist and she was imagining things.<\/p>\n

And she would insist she was NOT imagining things. And demanded the police do something.<\/p>\n

The police always refused. And in their ever-condescending tone would basically tell her she\u2019s crazy because there were no blue flying monkeys.<\/p>\n

And she would go off.<\/p>\n

And the fight would be on.<\/p>\n

Once she was subdued, the ambulance was called to take her to the hospital to shoot her up with Thorazine.<\/p>\n

Pissed off sergeants came out to investigate the use of force.<\/p>\n

Pissed off cops now how to do use of force reports and all kinds of\u00a0other paperwork.<\/p>\n

It always ended in one big mess.<\/p>\n

So I knew my day was going to be ruined one afternoon when I heard dispatch call my crew number:<\/p>\n

\u201c335A, see the woman at yadda yadda address about a disturbance. I believe you\u2019re familiar with this caller. 334 is on the way as back up but is 15 minutes away. Don\u2019t make contact until backup is there.\u201d<\/p>\n

But that day I had a plan.<\/p>\n

I had been researching how to deal with mental\u00a0patients. And was anxious to try out my new techniques.<\/p>\n

So like any macho young 20-something full of testosterone, I ignored protocol and entered the woman\u2019s home without backup.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow can I help you today, Mrs. Looney?\u201d (Names have been changed to protect the innocent. And hopefully get a chuckle.)<\/p>\n

\u201cFollow me,\u201d she says while leading me out to the back yard.<\/p>\n

She stands there, hands on hips looking very perturbed.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s the problem, Mrs. Looney?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you see them? They\u2019re all over the place! They\u2019re going to destroy my yard!\u201d<\/p>\n

For the record I saw nothing.<\/p>\n

I said, \u201cTell me what you see so I can understand.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGiant chickens! They must be six feet tall! They\u2019re all over the place. I have no idea how they got here but I want them gone!\u201d<\/p>\n

Woo hoo! I finally get to try out my new \u201chow to handle a delusional person\u201d techniques.<\/p>\n

So I said…<\/p>\n

\u201cI believe that YOU believe there are giant chickens in your back yard.\u201d<\/p>\n

This woman looks at me, her shoulders relax, her entire countenance changes, she smiles and says… get this…<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, officer.\u201d<\/p>\n

I think I just may have been the first person to acknowledge that I believed that she was seeing what she was seeing.<\/p>\n

So I asked how I could help her. And she says she just wants the giant chickens gone.<\/p>\n

So I did what any highly trained law enforcement officer would do…<\/p>\n

I ran around the back yard, waving my arms and shouting \u201cShoo, giant chickens! Shoo!\u201d<\/p>\n

After a few minutes I ask if she\u2019s happy with my service.<\/p>\n

And she hugs me.<\/p>\n

No backup required. No ambulance needed. No Thorazine.\u00a0 (Although *I* would have liked to have some.)\u00a0No use of force report required and no pissed off\u00a0sergeant.<\/p>\n

An elegantly simple solution to a complex problem.<\/p>\n

That day I discovered how effective \u201cI believe that YOU believe that…\u201d can be when dealing with delusional people.<\/p>\n

In my current role I deal with a LOT more delusional people than I ever dealt with as a law enforcement officer.<\/p>\n

So I have the opportunity to say \u201cI believe that YOU believe that\u201d a lot.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey Doberman Dan, I just need more traffic and my business can grow.\u201d<\/p>\n

I believe that YOU believe that.<\/p>\n

\u201cI need to make more money so I need some new copy.\u201d<\/p>\n

I believe that YOU believe that.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe most important thing I need is new customers.\u201d<\/p>\n

I believe that YOU believe that.<\/p>\n

And the most HARMFUL delusion:<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t need help. I can figure this out on my own.\u201d<\/p>\n

I believe that… well, actually I believe that MAYBE that\u2019s true.<\/p>\n

You COULD figure it out on your own.<\/p>\n

And you\u2019re probably gonna lose decades of your life and burn through a MOUNTAIN of cash in the process.<\/p>\n

Most likely you\u2019re gonna get discouraged and quit before you figure it out.<\/p>\n

And then by default, relegated to return to a lifetime of living in quiet desperation with all the rest of the hypnotized broke people.<\/p>\n

When there\u2019s no need for you to do that.<\/p>\n

You see, I provide all the help you need.<\/p>\n

All you have to do is join me and get \u201cknighted\u201d<\/a> into the Marketing Camelot.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve already traversed the minefield you want to\u00a0cross.<\/p>\n

And I got \u201cblowed up good, blowed up REAL good\u201d many times. (I love obscure 80\u2019s comedy references.)<\/p>\n

So why in the world do you want to risk stepping on mines when you can have me lead you by the hand and avoid them all?<\/p>\n

All you have to do is click here<\/a>…
\nAll the best,
\nDoberman Dan<\/p>\n\"dobedansig\"<\/a>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

P.S. Listen, success demands commitment.<\/p>\n

And it demands continual investment in yourself.<\/p>\n

You\u2019ll NEVER be successful if you pussy-foot around and don\u2019t have the balls to make a commitment and invest in yourself.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut Doberman Dan… I can\u2019t afford to invest in myself and join the Marketing Camelot.\u201d<\/p>\n

I only have one response to that. And it\u2019s how I respond to ALL delusional people:<\/p>\n

I believe that YOU believe that.<\/p>\n

Click here<\/a> to stop being delusional and start being successful…<\/p>\n

Pax vobiscum.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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