Poop In The Pool
Tuesday, 6:49 PM
Dear Friend,
A few years ago I had my swimming pool completely redone.
Sandblasted down to the bare concrete… starting all over again from scratch.
New marcite… yadda yadda yadda… the whole enchilada.
I also had what they call "pavers" installed in a cool design around the outside of the pool.
Pavers are these decorative brick-looking things. They come in all different colors and look much better than just having the typical concrete slab around the pool.
It took a crew of three guys about 4 days to design, cut, fit and install them… and it set me back a few bucks… but I think the pool looks a whole lot better.
Now for some reason, Chiqui Rikki, the Colombiana's little shih tzu, likes to take a dump on my beloved (and costly) pavers.
Donner, the doberman, goes to the farthest part of the back yard to take a dump… but Chiqui LOVES to dump on my pavers.
I've tried time and time again to get him to take a dump somewhere else but he keeps coming back to the pavers.
A few weeks ago I even fenced off a litttle "dumping zone" just for him.
Guess what he does now that he has his own little dumping zone…
He goes to the edge of the fence, looks longingly at the pool, cries… and holds it in.
The very SECOND I relent and open the fence, he runs to the pavers and takes a dump.
I just don't get it… but I've learned to deal with it.
He always poops about 6 feet away from the edge of the pool so there's never really any danger of the poop falling into the pool. But I still pick it up immediately with my pooper scooper and toss it into some little palm trees by the fence.
Hey, it's free fertilizer.
Now the other day something very interesting occurred.
Chiqui woke me up at 6:00 AM to go outside.
We went out in the back yard and he took his usual dump on my pavers… about six feet from the edge of the pool.
Since 6:00 AM is wayyy too early for me, I turned around, went back inside and went back to bed. I figured I'd scoop up the poop later after I got more sleep and felt human again.
That's when the mystery began.
I went outside about four hours later to scoop the poop off the pavers… but it was nowhere to be found.
I happened to glance in the pool and guess what I saw…
Three little shih tzu turds laying on the bottom of the deep end!
How in the world did that happen? He pooped a good six feet from the edge of the pool.
This was perplexing.
The entire time I was scooping poop out of my pool and frantically filling the water with a cocktail of chemicals, I was pondering how this could have happened.
I just couldn't figure it out.
Now most mere mortals would forget about it… but not me. I'm a truth seeker and I simply HAD to discover how this had happened.
Later that day, at doggie dinner time, I loaded up little Chiqui's bowl with an extra helping of soft food (which he LOVES) to make sure he was "loaded for bear" for the inevitable dumping time.
Sure enough, a few hours later as if on cue, the urge arrived. We went outside and he took his usual dump on my pavers.
This time, instead of scooping it up and tossing it into the palm trees by the fence, I took a strategic position, sat silently and stealthily observed.
What happened next was both shocking and amazing…
A few minutes after "dumping time" a big ugly black beetle-looking creature with two big pincers ambled up onto the pavers, slowly making his way toward the newly produced shih tzu turds.
With those two big pincers protruding from his head he started rolling the largest of the two turds toward the edge of the swimming pool.
He rolled the turd across the pavers until it fell into the deep end of the pool. With what I could have sworn was a satisfied smile from a job well done, this butt-ugly bug starts making his way back toward turd #2.
After arriving at said turd, again he started rolling it toward the edge of the pool.
Turd #2 plopped into the pool and the mysterious poop-pushing creature crawled back into the grass and disappeared.
I SWEAR to you this story is true. (I don't think I could make up a story this bizarre even if I wanted to.)
I sat there under my shade tree and pondered this strange mystery of nature I had just witnessed.
I don't know if you're aware of it or not but a LOT of people are pooping on the pavers that surround your pool. It's pretty much impossible to stop.
Sure, you can take steps to REDUCE the amount of pooping on your pavers… but it's practically impossible to stop the pooping entirely.
The only thing you CAN control is how you guard your pool. You HAVE to constantly be on guard because the very INSTANT there's crap on your pavers, forces go to work to IMMEDIATELY push it into your pool.
It's true.
Numerous forces are constantly working against you, trying to push crap into your pool.
Once the poop falls into your pool, it's not easy to get it out.
Let it sit in there too long and it's gets absorbed and dispersed throughout the entire pool. It takes a LOT of work, days and days of filtering and a ton of chemicals to get your water poop-free again.
Even if you scoop it out of the pool soon after it drops in there you still have to go through the process of cleaning and filtering the water and adding more chemicals.
It's much easier to just not let the crap get pushed into your pool in the first place.
And here's the very BEST way to do that:
The very SECOND you see poop dumped on your pavers… you gotta scoop it up IMMEDIATELY and get it as far away from your pool as possible.
But you've got a more immediate problem…
Your pool is already FULL of crap!
Oh, yeah. It's LOADED in there.
DECADES of it.
Packed down tight, too.
Not only do you have to start policing the poop constantly being dumped on your pavers… you have to work overtime to get the existing poop out of your pool.
And I've got even WORSE news for you…
That stuff is packed in there so hard and deep it has become carbonized.
It's hard as a rock!
And it ain't easy getting it out. In fact, it's back-breaking hard work.
You have to work every single day for years… probably DECADES chipping away at that carbonized crap in your pool, removing it a scoop at a time.
All the while constantly scooping up the new crap being dumped on your pavers every day.
Some try… most fail.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news… but I'm compelled to tell you the truth.
In fact, I may be the ONLY guy in your life doing that.
But think about it. If I sugar-coat things and don't give you the whole truth… well, then I'd be just one more ugly ass beetle pushing crap into your pool, wouldn't I?
Anyhoo… let's get back to getting the carbonized ca-ca out of your pool…
If you've got the discipline… and more importantly the GUTS to tackle the job, you CAN clean up your pool.
I can share a few things that have worked for me.
But don't look too closely at my pool.
After all, I grew up in a lower middle class family from Barberton, Ohio … and both my parents' pools were crammed full of carbonized crap. So all that was passed along to me.
If that wasn't bad enough, the coup de grace was twelve years in the public school system under duress. That packed it in there even deeper and harder.
(That was the goal of those twelve years, by the way. Meticulously programmed and deliberately orchestrated to pack it in there as hard as possible.)
So as much as you want a sparkling clean pool, free of crap… the deck is stacked against you.
First of all, most people are completely unaware there's poop in their pool.
And of the ones that ARE aware, most don't have the balls to even START the clean up process. Of those that do, 97% find the task too difficult and quickly retreat back to life as the walking dead, living vicariously through the television.
And of those that DO dedicate their lives to cleaning up their pools, most are never TOTALLY able to get all the turds out of there.
So don't look too closely at MY pool. I'm still in the process of getting the crap out of there… while trying my best to prevent new crap from being pushed in by those ugly crap-pushing beetles.
But I HAVE been pretty successful getting a lot of it out of there… and I'm happy to share a few pointers.
1. Do NOT watch or read the news…
That is probably the biggest source of crap in your pool.
Back when I was still a wet behind the ears rookie on the Dayton, Ohio police department… even at the ripe young age of 21, I figured out the media was full of crap.
I saw dozens of stories I was intimately acquainted with… some even INVOLVED in, reported completely 100% FALSELY by the local media.
Not one, not twice… DOZENS of times.
I was THERE… experienced all the details with my own five senses… yet the story reported by the media was a complete 180 to what really happened.
It's not just the local media that does that. The national media does it, too. The only exception is they do it almost 100% of the time. At least the local media still occasionally has a few brief flashes of integrity. Not so with the national media.
So turn that crap off. It's dumping huge piles on your pavers.
2. Read uplifting material and material that helps you increase your ability to bring more value to the world…
I'm a voracious reader.
All the successful and wealthy people I know are, too.
In fact, every person I know who doesn't read regularly is broke and NOT successful.
Some people tell me they don't like to read.
I know why.
When you read you have to think. And most people are so unaccustomed to thinking, it scares the hell out of them.
So when you say you don't like to read what you're REALLY saying is you don't like to think.
Stay broke and miserable then.
If you want to get the crap out of your pool and live a successful and happy life… you have to read.
And no, watching videos and listening to audios are NOT substitutes. You can easily do both of those activities without thinking.
There is no way around it… you HAVE to read.
And you have to do it every single day.
Start with just 30 minutes a day and make it a habit. (After about 30 days it will be established as a habit.)
I have had this habit for so long (almost 25 years now) that I NEVER miss reading at LEAST 30 minutes a day…WHATEVER it takes.
3. Stop the people pooping on your pavers…
You've allowed people into your yard… and they're constantly pooping on your pavers. And try as you might to scoop it up… there's too much of it. The big ugly poop-rolling beetles are pushing it into your pool.
The only way you're going to be able to police this is to cut down the volume of poop being dumped on your pavers.
And the only way to do THAT is to…
Kick those people out of your back yard!
Get them as far away from your pool as possible.
Now here's where many people fail because most of the people crapping on your pavers are your friends, family… and God forbid… your spouse.
Don't try to change them. It's a lesson in futility. That carbonized crap is packed in so high and deep in THEIR pools… and they can't even see it.
If you try to show it to them, they'll just get mad at you… and continue crapping on YOUR pavers.
You have to make the tough decision to remove them from your life.
(Hey, I TOLD you getting the crap out of your pool was gonna be hard!)
If you don't have the guts to do it yourself, I've set up a special website to help you.
Simply refer them HERE and hopefully they will get the message.
But seriously… anybody who consistently craps on your pavers has to be removed from your yard… period.
Look… this is the only pool you're ever going to have… EVER. And your life is going to be so much better when you get the poop out of it.
So there ya go… three simple steps to protect your pool from poop… AND help you slowly but surely get the carbonized crap out of there, too.
Stick with the plan and very soon you'll be healthier and wealthier… and FEEL a whole lot better, too.
All the best,
Step One: Decide a clean pool is worth it.
Step Two: Take some small action to stop the flow of 'poop'
Step Three: replace bad with good.
Step Four: Get physically moving.
Measure! Gotta have feedback. "Am I better off today?" Progress
There be more to the 30 day thing. You need repetitions inside the time frame as well. (see the Practicing Mind page 47)
Kinda like AA. I have a problem, I admit it. Next step is…?
Thanks for a visual story. Painted with Word Pictures. Zig Ziglar has struck again. Good Job!
Habits do not get broken only replaced. Choose.
This is hilarious Dan!
But also frighteningly true.
Ribs still hurt from laughing…
Nothing like a good poop story to get the morning started
Seriously though, It's took me 18 years to remove the carbonized crap built up from my parents and the first 18 years of my life. And the last 3-4 years doing "shock treatments". I hesitate to say I'm in maintenance mode lest some god of poop rains down poops of fire into my pool. (We could do this metaphor all day, couldn't we…)
Anyway, I get your point… and it is a good one. There is a Bible verse I refer to… not quite as vivid as a poop story but it works for me. The verse is Romans 12:2 "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."
I like to call this "Brainwashing" in a good way. In fact, my son made t-shirts for the youth group here: http://www.cafepress.com/brainwashedgear
Thanks for the… uh… poost… I mean – post.
Whats the dung beetle doing Dan, giving it a good rinsing it out before taking it home. Have you any more crap moving stories? : ) Not that I want to hear them.
Dan this is your BEST column EVER
Thanks, Dave. It was pretty fun figuring out how to turn a beetle pushing poop in my pool into a DD article.
Writing about poop was fun! Expect more.
Good stuff, Sean.
I like the "shock treatment" analogy in your comment. I had to add two bags of shock after the poop. I should have used that in my story.
Thanks, Courtney. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who gets a laugh out of a good poop story.
No one will ever accuse me of writing high brow pieces, will they?
Good points, Tim. Especially step 1. A lot of people just decide a poop-free pool isn't worth all the work.
Dear Dan:
Sounds like you have dung beetles in your back yard. I didn't know they existed in Florida.
I have a suggestion. As your dog begins to arch his back to poop on the pavers, gently but firmly poke your finger in his side to break his train of thought. Do this each time he begins to poop on the pavers. When he poops in a desired location, be sure to heap the praise on him.
If you want to see how this type of training is done, watch Cesar Millan's DOG WHISPERER on the National Geographic channel.
No mas caca.
Todd Bershad, D.V.M.
Thanks, Dr. Todd! I'll give it a try.
Dan,
Friggin great metaphor! And to get rid of the crap on the pavement, have you thought about a shih tzu bob? Just askin…
- John
Good idea! I hadn't thought of that.
Hey Dan,
What an entertaining post! Midway through your story I was wondering where the heck were you taking me. Brilliant tie in I must say.
And every bit of it is true. Wiser and truer words have never been spoken (or rather written). I can personally attest to everything you've said.
I have since then stopped watching the news. I am in the process of stopping watching TV too (this one is quite a challenge as I was basically brought up on TV).
Reading-wise, it is not a problem for me as I have always been a reader ever since I was small. It's just that now, I read stuff that improves me financially, emotionally, spiritually & intellectually.
As for the part about people, it is quite difficult to get rid of some of them as they are my family. But I have since learnt to ignore everything they have said as far as my dreams, aims and aspirations are concerned. It goes in one ear and out the other.
HOWEVER…
I need to say this…
It is all well and good that we keep negative people and influences out from our lives, but beware that we do not adopt a holier-than-thou attitude.
We constantly work and focus on our development, so much so that we develop a sense of superiority over others.
We reach a point where we think that we are better than the rest of the sheeple just because we are more aware of our own "pool" (to use DD's reference) and we are doing something about it, unlike the others.
This is a dangerous and counter-productive attitude to develop. Not to mention that it makes one an a**hole.
One thing that always helps me keep grounded is this thought… "Everyone is at a different stage of development."
Who knows, one of those people who use to dump crap onto our pavers may one day "gain enlightenment" and decides to pursue the higher road. For these people, let's be there for them. Let's help them like you've never helped anyone before. They deserve it and we deserve it.
Be More,
Andy Iskandar
You could experiment with what you feed Chiqui and see if you could train Donner to get rid of it for you. Well you could!
Maybe your a little palm tree beetle hater. Have you concidered how redistributing the wealth is affecting the little palm tree beetles?
Anyway, yes the closer the negative people are to you the harder it is to break away from their negative influence. A firm belief that I have is that a one hour session with a psychiotrist (-1 spelling?) should be a mandatory standard component of every annual medical physical. That would be a perfect mechanism for people to address these issues before the physical realities of stress manifest themselves.
I also think that every birth certificate should require paternity DNA testing. But that's a whole different discussion best left for a different time. I may need to borrow someones A.D.D. meds.
Trip, reset. I feel much better now, thanks.
What was that optimum time to concentrate on something daily? 37 minutes and 37 seconds?
I always liked the carbonized crap talk. And you managed to improve upon it immensely with the poop rolling beetle story. To make it even better, my still-sleepy mind read the entire thing in the voice of George Carlin doing his bit on Stuff.
Thanks for the dose of tough medicine, Dan. Your delivery was spotless.
Great use of metaphor, Dan! Have you tried using that one in a direct mail campaign yet?
Number 3: Kick those people out of your back yard!
So true and so necessary. Also often difficult. Unfortunately for many of us, we work for or with those people. Or, as you said, we might be married to them. I'm working tirelessly to be in a position to get ALL the poopers out of my back yard. And it DOES take work!
Owen
lol! Funny stuff, Jeff.
Funny as hell Dan! Instantly reminded me of the movie (can't recall the name) where an entire pool experienced mass exodus in mere seconds due to a floating Snickers bar
But wait … something doesn't quite smell right …
We have a hilarious segue (to a brilliant reality check btw), from the guy who recently completed his 30 day video challenge, and – NO VIDEO – of these side splitting escapades? (I guess not soooo funny if you're the one cleaning the pool)
Anyway, this clip could easily go viral ! I can see it already on Animal Planet!
Not sure you would want those 500,000 views from YouTube all coming to this site, but just say'n …
In all seriousness though, for me personally, the culling of family and friends from poolside is definitely the toughest, yet possibly most important, part of the whole process yet best accomplished on a mental level than a physical one for me anyway.
You are spot on about the reading also.
Keep the inspiration coming Dan!
B.
I think that scene is from Caddyshack.
And you're right, that WOULD be a hilarious video!
Great post… I felt the great "carbonized shit" theory was coming in there somewhere.
I need to excerpt that from one of Gary's lectures and post it up on youtube
although your version
is awesome.
Yeah, you ought to do that. That's a great Halbertism. I'd hate to see the next generation not be exposed to that.
I did a squidoo lens on other people's pet poop, which isn't so relevant given that it is your pets doing the poopin … I'll chuck it in the website box.
I am seriously impressed that you have a beetle trained to keep the crap of your pavers though. Maybe you could train it to push it the other way in future. MInd you, it is probably out for revenge after you dump all the poop at its back door normally lol
Who knew there were so many lessons in poop?
Dean.
It's amazing how far just that first step will take you, turning off the news. If it's so important that it impacted the world, you'll hear about it soon enough. Otherwise it's bad news you can't do anything about or inaccurate news that you didn't need to know anyway.
The first step also helps you with the second step. If watching the news is a habit, just replace it with something to read – you can always start with lighter fare or audio books first and ease your way into being reader. I personally love to read. I was raised on it.
And what other people watch on TV when you (think you) have to be around them shows you who to kick out of your life, right away. I was hanging around with a family member recently, someone I wasn't around enough to decide if they needed to be kicked out. Of course they started to watch the news.
Not just watch but participate in the negativity. Then when I explained why I don't watch the news, they felt it was a personal attack, and tried to turn the issue into an argument. Clearly someone I needed to love from afar.
Really enjoying your posts, Dan.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Erica Douglass, Colin Y.J. Chung. Colin Y.J. Chung said: Poop In The Pool http://bit.ly/dlu8TM [...]
Now if I could just train my dog as well as the beetle!
Good idea, Owen. I'll have to test a poop story in direct mail.
Carline Anglade-Cole has written several "poop" magalogs and believe it or not, they were really successful.
Thanks, Dan. I haven't changed since I was 5. Poop stories were funny then… and they're still funny to me now.
Very good points, Andy. I've run across the holier than thou a-holes. I sure don't want to be one.
That's a great idea, Tinu… turn the time normally spent watching the news into reading time. You can kill two birds with one stone.
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